THOUGHTS FOR THIS WEEK
Try to make at least one person happy every day, and then in ten years you may have made three thousand, six hundred and fifty persons happy, or brightened a small town by your contribution to the fund of general enjoyment.
Wise sayings often fall on barren ground, but a kind word is always appreciated
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some stay awhile... leaving footprints on our hearts.
Some spread happiness wherever they go, while others spread happiness whenever they go.
Do stop and lend a helping hand, as it is much more important to arrive in good spirits than it is to arrive on time. Remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off, and if you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
SURVIVORS SAY that a smile a day helps to keep the cancer at bay.
So start your day with a laugh- Turn up your sound and watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p32OC97aNqc
LORD OF THE DANCE
http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_irish_cartoons/proof_irish_invented_the_jig.shtml#.T2IovVhSkc8.email
CHILL OUT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFxG52QvZ3M&feature=email
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jF4BralTQW8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSTGKeY7fLk&feature=related
Try to make at least one person happy every day, and then in ten years you may have made three thousand, six hundred and fifty persons happy, or brightened a small town by your contribution to the fund of general enjoyment.
Wise sayings often fall on barren ground, but a kind word is always appreciated
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some stay awhile... leaving footprints on our hearts.
Some spread happiness wherever they go, while others spread happiness whenever they go.
Do stop and lend a helping hand, as it is much more important to arrive in good spirits than it is to arrive on time. Remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off, and if you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
SURVIVORS SAY that a smile a day helps to keep the cancer at bay.
So start your day with a laugh- Turn up your sound and watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p32OC97aNqc
LORD OF THE DANCE
http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_irish_cartoons/proof_irish_invented_the_jig.shtml#.T2IovVhSkc8.email
CHILL OUT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFxG52QvZ3M&feature=email
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jF4BralTQW8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSTGKeY7fLk&feature=related
HILARIOUS ANIMALS
http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers
http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers
"FOR YOUR FURTHER AMUSEMENT"
A couple were sitting on the
porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love
you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home.
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home.
A young man asked his trainer "If I want to impress a girl, which machines should I use?"
The trainer replied, “Try the ATM outside the gym!”
Old is when… ‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fibre today.
Guy walks into McDonalds and asks for a burger, assistant asks what he wants on it. £5 each way he replies.
The trainer replied, “Try the ATM outside the gym!”
Old is when… ‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fibre today.
Guy walks into McDonalds and asks for a burger, assistant asks what he wants on it. £5 each way he replies.
"A PISSED SQUIRREL"
Why does the cosmetic salesgirl talk funny? Her lipstick.
My
mother never sees the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
The most common owl in the UK is the tea towel
NANNY GOAT'S (BREAST CANCER WEEK)
Two nanny goats were having a laugh and one said.
“Are you kidding?”
The other replied, “No, I’ve just put some weight on”
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window.
"What do you want?” she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied.
"Well, stay there", she said and closed the window.
A man lost his wig in the west end of Glasgow today. Police are combing the area.
“Are you kidding?”
The other replied, “No, I’ve just put some weight on”
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window.
"What do you want?” she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied.
"Well, stay there", she said and closed the window.
A man lost his wig in the west end of Glasgow today. Police are combing the area.
WHAT I THINK OF WINTER
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend. "That's us in 10 years
time." He said, "That's a mirror, you numpty!"
When you’re old, a good night is if you don’t need to get up for a pee, or it’s when you go to sleep with an itchy butt, and don’t waken up with a stinky finger.
time." He said, "That's a mirror, you numpty!"
When you’re old, a good night is if you don’t need to get up for a pee, or it’s when you go to sleep with an itchy butt, and don’t waken up with a stinky finger.
A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers etc…” The pensioner paused for a moment and then said, “You’re right, we didn’t have those things, so we invented them”.
Old people shouldn't eat health foods as they need all the preservatives they can get.
GOSSIPING SWANS
You know you're getting old when you and your teeth don't sleep together.
I just arrived home and the phone rang. I picked it up and said: "Who's speaking please?”
Back came the reply. "You are."
I have my fathers gold watch that he sold me on his deathbed.
I gave him a post dated cheque.
I just arrived home and the phone rang. I picked it up and said: "Who's speaking please?”
Back came the reply. "You are."
I have my fathers gold watch that he sold me on his deathbed.
I gave him a post dated cheque.
STARTING EARLY
Do cross-eyed teachers have
difficulty controlling their pupils?
My mate and his wife don’t like children; they said they
are willing drop them off anywhere.
Wine is proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
So there is plenty of room for all of Gods creatures along side your mashed potatoes.
difficulty controlling their pupils?
My mate and his wife don’t like children; they said they
are willing drop them off anywhere.
Wine is proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
So there is plenty of room for all of Gods creatures along side your mashed potatoes.
The math teacher saw that Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Johnny quickly replied,“NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Johnny quickly replied,“NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
After being married for 40 years, I looked at my wife one day and said, "forty years ago we had a cheap
house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a £500,000.00 home, a £35,000.00 car, a king size bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. My wife being a reasonable woman told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems
house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a £500,000.00 home, a £35,000.00 car, a king size bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. My wife being a reasonable woman told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems
Two strands of lady DNA were walking down the street.
One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?
One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?
If you are supposed to learn
from your mistakes.
Why do some people have
more than one child?
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, ' I am gonna do that when I win the lottery.
‘What’s dat ‘, says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut‘, says Paddy.
A married couple were celebrating their 35th anniversary.
During their party, a fairy appeared and granted them each a wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and whoosh -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.
”The fairy picked up her wand and whoosh -- the husband was 90.
A kid watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter now?' the kid asked. 'Are you giving up?'
Paddy said, ' I am gonna do that when I win the lottery.
‘What’s dat ‘, says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut‘, says Paddy.
A married couple were celebrating their 35th anniversary.
During their party, a fairy appeared and granted them each a wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and whoosh -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.
”The fairy picked up her wand and whoosh -- the husband was 90.
A kid watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter now?' the kid asked. 'Are you giving up?'
A PEEPING TOM
A site for sore
eyes. Conjunctivitis.com
A couple were sitting on the porch sipping wine.
The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A couple were sitting on the porch sipping wine.
The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
DRY HUMOUR
Two cannibals were chatting in a pub and one said to the other "I've never ever met anyone I didn't like".
The other noticed his mate had a leg missing and asked, “What happened?”
His mate replied....”I was on a self catering holiday”.
When a book fell on Sean Connery’s head, he said, “I’ve only got my shelf to blame”.
When staying at a cheap hotel, there was the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table. When the landlady came into the room, a guest lifted up a tiny little pot of honey and said, "I see you keep a bee”.
DIY
A duck walked into a pharmacy and said to the assistant, "I'd like some antiseptic cream and could you put it on my bill please?"
A man walked up to a barman and said, "I just tried to buy cigarettes from your vending machine, and it just swore at me".
Barman replied, "Sorry sir, it's out of order.
A funeral was in progress and the priest talked at length of the good traits of the deceased. He said what an honest, loving, kind husband and father he was.
The widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children.
“Go look in the coffin and see if that’s your dad”.
The widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children.
“Go look in the coffin and see if that’s your dad”.
Two nuns were taking up new positions in the USA. They arrived in New York collected their baggage and went outside. The older nun said, “When in the states we should eat what the locals eat, she looked up and saw a hotdog vendor. The younger nun sat on a bench while the older bought two foil wrapped hotdogs and returned to the bench. On opening her hotdog, the oldest nun leaned over to the younger and whispered quietly, “Which part of the dog did you get”?
LOAFERS
Yes, Velcro is, a rip-off.
A goldfish asked; “If there is no God, who changes the water every week?”
I rang up my local pool and asked. "Is that the local swimming baths?”
Back came the reply, "It depends where you're calling from."
A goldfish asked; “If there is no God, who changes the water every week?”
I rang up my local pool and asked. "Is that the local swimming baths?”
Back came the reply, "It depends where you're calling from."
WATER FOUND ON MARS
Patient said. “My shoulder hurts when I straighten my arm.”
Doctor said. “Well, don’t straighten your arm”.
Can bald people get a hairline fracture?
Doctor said. “Well, don’t straighten your arm”.
Can bald people get a hairline fracture?
A stranger went into a restaurant and ordered the breakfast special. When his order arrived, he looked up at the waitress and asked. “How about a kind word?”
The waitress leaned over and whispered. “Don’t eat the meat.”
The waitress leaned over and whispered. “Don’t eat the meat.”
“YOU WANT ME, DON’T YOU?”
Just been down to the gym, they've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour and I started to feel sick.
It's great though, it does everything, - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot...”
I was at an ATM the other day and an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her.
Two aerials met on a roof - fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
What's got 100 legs and no teeth?
The front row of a Cliff Richard concert!
The front row of a Cliff Richard concert!
"GOODBYE"
The Government has just announced that the Immigration Department
will start deporting seniors instead of illegals in order to lower
Social Security and Medical care costs.
Old people are easier to catch and never remember how to get back home.
will start deporting seniors instead of illegals in order to lower
Social Security and Medical care costs.
Old people are easier to catch and never remember how to get back home.